Sing Opera, Miss

At one point, I was convinced I was going to become an opera singer. It was not one of those fleeting career affairs I have a tendency for; I lived this one. While some high school students watched TV, I watched performances from my favorite opera singers on youtube. In the back of calculus class, I sat with my calc binder stealthily open to the translation of some German aria I was trying to learn. And if I was ever going anywhere with my IPod, I was listening to opera. Oh yes, I was quite sure of my future.

This week's lesson: found instruments. One of the volunteers
and I helping the kids brainstorm ideas.

Then I went to college. I am still not sure what exactly changed, but all of a sudden, music became terrifying. In particular, I came to dread performances. Back in high school, I would sing in the practice rooms, fully aware that everyone on the floor and the one below could hear me. However, my first semester in college, I tried to sneak into the practice rooms on weekend evenings, when I could rest assured that people were at parties and not in the building. It did not take long at all, one semester, and my confidence was sapped. I could not sing. I certainly could not sight read. I was not that talented, and I had no future in music.

My translator, Mohammad, and I talking with one of the
groups about their found instrument composition.

When I interviewed for my internship this summer, I mentioned a background in music. Although I may have lacked confidence, I knew it was the one thing I had actually spent a long period of time learning and doing. However, I really tried pushing for teaching another subject: art, science, English, knitting, environmental issues, anything but music. In early May, I learned that I had been accepted into two internship programs, the one here in Palestine with TYO and one with a housing corporation in DC that works with the homeless. Obviously, I decided to take this one in Palestine, thinking that it would be the more challenging of the two. At that point, I was under the impression I would be teaching science. So when I got the email saying that my class was changed to music, all my insecurities took center stage again.

I chose this internship because I thought it would challenge me, and it has. But I did not realize what else it would do for me. Teaching music has rekindled something I thought I’d lost. Having these kids look to me for information, inspiration, and advice has helped me to find my confidence performing again. I cannot second-guess myself when I am in the moment, trying to help them create music from chairs or sing a song in a foreign language. If I am not sure about my lesson plans, why should they listen to me at all? When I am asked to “sing opera” at lunch, in class, at the pool, in the changing rooms, or on the bus to the pool, they do not care that I have not warmed up and my vocal cords are stiff. They want me to sing now.

Working with these kids and watching them really enjoy music has taught me to let go of my insecurities and just be. It is funny. My class is supposed to be geared towards teaching self-confidence through music. Something I most certainly did not have when I began classes. As at risk of reiterating the white-girl-teaching-kids-abroad cliché, I hope I have taught my students exactly what they have taught me.