Staying the Course

My last week in Switzerland went by in a whirlwind. A few last days in the library, a couple visits from friends, packing, a meeting, and a birthday hastily pushed me through my last days. Afterwards, I met my mother in Venice for a short vacation before arriving in Heidelberg, Germany five days ago. Forgive me for my neglect, and bear with me as I update you on my thoughts concerning this last month.

Switzerland was not at all what I had planned. That is not to say that I had a bad time there; it was an amazing experience, one I would repeat if given the chance. However, things did not turn out as I had first envisioned. Originally, I was so thrilled about a research stay in Switzerland for two reasons. The first was that I was planning on going on for a graduate degree and possibly researching/teaching after finishing. The second should come as no surprise to those who know me: I was thrilled to be in another country again. There were other perks such as finding my way around on my own and practicing my German. Nonetheless, my main reason for going to Switzerland was to test out my passion for research. But what I have found is that I have kein Lust für Forshung. I liked my topic; it is very interesting to me… but I was going batty.

Oh yes. Here I am. Back at square one. More frustrated than ever.

Here is how it always goes. After a few months of learning a new trade, I normally become antsy and overcome with cabin fever. Perhaps this took root in my younger years. I could never really settle on what I wanted to learn, so I tried everything: ballet, clarinet, drums, mallets, knitting, sewing, soccer, golf, track, tennis, volleyball, swing dancing, various languages, and there was even this sad attempt at mastering yodeling. This thirst to try anything and everything that passes through my head still plagues me in college. Charmed with the idea of becoming a Renaissance woman, I run headlong down pathways at breakneck speeds only to get halfway to my destination, decide everything is all wrong, and change directions.

And now, I am at one of those points, the place on my chosen pathway that I start to think, “maybe not.” And suddenly, the very last thing I want to do is go straight and stay the course.

Perhaps this is not a problem. I’m still young; I am allowed to change my mind. However, lately, I’ve been told more and more that I need to start to settle down a little, to narrow my focus, to not just shave the surface, but also find depth in some field. I know this “depth” people speak of well (although not through personal possession). Everyone I met in Switzerland had been ruthlessly trained and tried. From street cleaners to garbage men to professors to bankers, everyone had chosen their field and intensively studied and trained. Most teenagers in Switzerland do apprenticeships of some sort; they learn how to become waiters, street cleaners, or landscapers. Regardless of the job, one had to have acquired skill and education. It was, to say the least, impressive. But I can't help but think, that this life is not one for which I wish.

I am at war with myself in my head. The safe and secure option, the one I always thought I’d take when I was younger, is easily in front of me. Focus. Get a degree. Go to graduate school. Get a job of some sort and make enough money to live comfortably. This is in sight and in reach. However, there is a little me that I picture inside my head, who is jumping up and down, screeching, “NO, NO, NO. I don’t want this. Not one bit. Not at all.” What's worse is that I am too well aware that this may just be a product of my age. Disillusioned college students are a dime a dozen.

Do I stay the course, or shall I listen to the little me having a fit in my head?